Survivor: 11-13

BY GARY SHERWOOD

“Stand or fall I know there

Shall be peace in the valley

And it’s all an affair

Of my life with the heroes and villains”

- Brian Wilson

Somewhere there’s an alternate universe where Amanda Kimmel is a cunning and skilled player, capable of finding Immunity Idols, forming alliances and conceiving brilliant blindsides. However, in this universe (the one my apartment and TV are in), Amanda is a twitchy, overemotional childwoman who’s managed to get as far as she has - only Parvati has logged more days on the show - by hitching herself to much stronger players like Todd and Parvati. Her lack of game became apparent both times she made it to Final Tribal Council and all but handed the million dollars to her opponents by swallowing her answers to jury questions. But throughout last night’s episode the Villains characterized Amanda as their biggest threat, a Machiavellian she-beast** who had to be dealt with immediately, even before the physically stronger Colby and Rupert. So either Mark Burnett and his editors cocked it up by not showing us what a scary motherhubbard Amanda’s been all season. Or maybe, just maybe, this alternate universe with its superduper Amanda is bleeding into our own. You Lost fans know of what I speak, brotha. The rest of you can assume I didn’t get much sleep.

Candice tells the Villains that was a brilliant bit of gamesmanship at the last Tribal Council. Russell, however, is peeved DDanielle and Parvati didn’t tell him they found an idol, especially after he gave his to the latter. Dude, don’t go picking fights with your alliance this late in the game. Thankfully, he gets his fedora’d head back in the game by trying to lure Candice to the dark side. This is his insurance in case Sandra flips to the Heroes, which she is strongly considering. Most of the non-challenge portions of the episode focus on Candice and Sandra being cajoled, wooed and ultimately threatened by both sides.

Speaking of challenges, the nine Yin Yangs are divided into teams of three to play Survivor Shuffleboard and win a Reward of an overnight stay at Robert Louis Stevenson’s house. Colby wins it for his trio, which includes Amanda and DDanielle. ‘Bout time Colby proves his worth at something this season. Anyway, he and the ladies go the literary landmark, a beautiful old colonial which houses first editions of the author’s most well-known works. The girls nod, smile and clearly don’t give a crap, as their only interest is idol clues. By now, they know the clues are usually revealed at the Reward, and so it goes again. As the triumphant trio share a large bed, watching the 1934 movie adaptation of Treasure Island and munching on popcorn, DDanielle finds the clue in the snack bowl. For reasons known only to a woman who is one-quarter silicone, she does not hide the clue on her person but instead puts it under the bed next to her. Amanda gets suspicious and finds the clue right where DDanielle so uncleverly hid it. A wrestling match breaks out. This should be one of the most awesome things ever, two smokin’ brunettes unfettered by dignity or clothing below the waist fighting for the thing which could mean life or death. It should be hot, it should be dirty, it should be the thing a thousand naughty dreams are made of. Only it’s not. Instead, it’s rather sad. Instead of biting and hairpulling and pulling off each other’s tops (all things I would never condone or encourage, cough cough), the girls just pull at each other’s arms and squeal, “Give it! No, you give it!” This calls for decisive action on Colby’s part. And by that, I mean he momentarily takes his eyes off the TV screen to glance at the world’s wimpiest brawl and mumbles the idol belongs to DDanielle. Hey, have you seen Colby this season? For him, that is decisive. It’s also pretty dumb, as it gives the idol to the alliance that already outnumbers his, but Colby’s a doer, not a thinker. Only he doesn’t do a whole lot either. As for Amanda, what can I say? Sure, it sucks for her to be let down by her own alliance partner. But if the clue was that important, she should’ve knocked that big-boobed bitch into next Wednesday. And yanked off her top. Not that I’m condoning or encouraging, yada yada…

Back at Yin Yang central, DDanielle tells Parvati and Russell she has the clue. She makes it sound like she and Amanda had some sort of king hell throwdown, instead of the weak grabass match it really was. She also leaves out the part about Colby resolving it for her. But whatever. The important thing is Russell is back in form, finding the idol before his female alliance mates. In his continuing quest to win over Candice, he shows off his latest prize and swears to take her to the Final Three. Call it Operation Dumbass II.

For Immunity, the castaways have to build houses out of ceramic cards. First to get their house to ten feet wins. It soon turns into a close contest between Russell and Scerri, which the latter wins by the narrowest of margins. In three seasons as a castaway, it’s the first time Scerri has won Individual Immunity and she’s happy as my friend’s cat with a headless rubber mouse.

Back at the beach, the Heroes and Villains renew their pitches and warnings to the two potential swing votes, Candice and Sandra. Colby, who has apparently learned nothing from the blindside of J.T., believes Candice is 100% loyal and guarantees that loyalty to Sandra. The outcast Villain wants Russell gone first as payback for Courtney, Boston Rob, Tyson, “even Coach who I don’t like.” But it’s assumed DDanielle has found the idol and given it to her male aliance mate; therefore, Parvati is targeted.

At Tribal Council, Russell makes no pretense about Sandra’s status. After elucidating the different ways he, DDanielle, Parv and Scerri play, he pointedly ignores Sandra. When Jeff points that out, Russell shrugs, “[Sandra’s] just there.” Oh, Russell, my poor, bald lamb. Don’t you know you’re gonna want these people to like you in just nine more days? After the ballots are cast, Jeff says his usual “I’ll collect the votes,” to which Courtney whisper-snarks, “You do that.” It never fails to amuse me how much more animated Courtney is as a jurist than she ever was as a player. She’s an eye-rolling, back-slapping, under-her-breath-commenting hoot. She should write this blog. Nah, scratch that. It would probably just be a single paragraph in Comic Sans font that reads something like, “Sandra’s my BGF so GO GIRL! I friggin’ hate the rest of these f***tards, so whatev to their sorry asses! And Jeffrey, y’think that frat boy cap of yours can stand a couple wash cycles? We can smell it all the way over in the jury box. Later bitches!” Ahem. Anyway, Jeff is about to read the votes, when Russell says he feels “someone” has flipped and he plays his idol. Turns out it’s unnecessary, as Amanda, Colby and Rupert vote for Parvati, but everyone else, including Candice and Sandra, vote for Amanda. Thank God she won’t be around to ruin another Final Council.

In the Penthouse

Russell – Shows he can still find idols and lure dumbasses to his side with a minimum of effort.

In the Doghouse

Colby – I don’t blame you for letting the catfight drag on. I’d have done the same thing. But the brutal fact is you and Amanda outnumbered and outmuscled DDanielle. That idol clue could’ve been yours, and a deal might have been struck with DDanielle right then and there.

Next week, the Villains are at each others throats. Also, with just two more eps until the finale, we gotta have some more double-eliminations.

** Yes, “Machiavellian she-beast” is the trademarked name for my ex-girlfriend (you know which one). But it fit well here.

12

Russell vanquishes another threat. It’s what he does. Well, that and telling us his whole name whenever someone dares play the game without consulting him first. But while further solidifying himself as the strongest player, has he parodoxically weakened his chances of actually winning this thing? It seems every week, Russell adds another enemy to the jury. True, he may still be able to get their votes with the “you don’t have to like me but respect my abilities” card, but the closer we get to Day 39 the fresher the wounds are going to be.

The ep begins with Colby and Rupert cursing Candice’s name and verbally de-Hero-izing her. Meanwhile, Scerri candidly tells us Candice instantly flipping to the Villains’ side shows she can’t be trusted. Next morning, Rupert figures he has nothing to lose at this point. He reams out Russell for being such an awful turd as to swear on his own children when he lied about joining up with the Heroes. Russell calmly curses Rupert back; “I don’t give a **** about you or anyone else.” He continues to mock “the great Rupert” as “the second coming of Jesus Christ.” Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing two audience favorites from opposite poles of the moral spectrum get into a verbal smackdown. But again, I don’t see how Russell thinks this exchange can help him so near the end of the game.

The tribe gathers for that old Immunity Challenge where they stand as long as they can with their left arm tethered to a bucket of paint (which we can assume is water-based). Whoever lasts the longest wins. The new spin is they have to do it while balancing on narrow blocks. Adding to the retro flavor is Jeff tempting the castaways with food. When was the last time he did this? One by one, the survivors opt out and spill paint on themselves for cookies, milk, and really decadent looking PB&J’s. Even Candice and Colby, who have to know they’re not long for this world, give up a certain spot in the final seven to chow down. At least Rupert puts some heart into it, as it comes down to him and Parvati. Finally, Rupert’s hoof slips and Parvati wins this same contest she won on Fans vs. Favorites. “I love this challenge,” she coos as Jeff puts the Immunity Necklace on her.

Jeff then reads a clue to another Immunity Idol back at camp, which Sandra finds rather easily. Perhaps shaken by Russell’s dressing down, Rupert finally starts taking this game seriously and fakes finding the idol by stuffing a rock in his pocket. Of all people, it’s Russell who falls for it; “I have experience with idols” he explains when he sees the bulge in Rupert’s pocket. He tells the other Villains, but they’re not so sure. (Sandra wisely keeps quiet.) Russell wants to start picking off Colby and Rupert, but Scerri convinces the other girls they need to vote off Candice. At Tribal Council, Russell goes along with them. After Colby goes all schoolmarm on Candice for selling out the Heroes, he and Rupert join the Villains in voting her out. I’ll say it again; I don’t know why Candice was brought back this season. She was a total nonentity in The Cook Islands, and she was every bit as vapid and outclassed this go round. Think I’m being mean? Then quick, tell me one moment when Candice distinguished herself. I’ll be right here waiting. I got all day.

The second Immunity Challenge (yes, we get two this week) has castaways racing through table mazes and over a climbing obstacle to finally complete a sliding puzzle which forms the Survivor logo. Rupert comes close, but Russell beats him by the brim of his fedora. Back at camp, the girls assume Rupert is going home tonight. But Russell is unhappy about Parv and DDanielle assuming they control the game, and so he whispers in their ears – “She’s out to get you!” - so they become suspicious of one another. Now part of me enjoys this, ‘cause it’s classic Russell. But another part of me is once more asking, what’s the strategic point of this? By weakening the Villains, Russell only increases the odds of one of the remaining Heroes making it to the end.

At Tribal Council, DDanielle confesses things were “crazy” at camp this afternoon. Smelling blood in the water, Probst probes. As she recounts what Russell said about Parvati plotting against her, DDanielle begins to cry. Now Jeff really pushes, much to the delight of the jury who has had to suffer at the hands of the Villain alliance. (“Boo hoo,” mutters the always fabulous Courtney.) As DDanielle continues to have a meltdown, Russell blatantly orders Scerri whose name to write down; “It’s DDanielle.” And indeed it is, as Colby and Rupert once again reap the whirlwind and save themselves while DDanielle is given the boot and hopefully a box of Kleenex. Parvati is clearly not happy about this, but the jury looks quite pleased.

In the Penthouse AND Doghouse

Russell – The little dude continues to wreak havoc with all threats real and imagined, and it’s never not fun to watch how he does it. But how is he going to win over Coach, J.T. and now DDanielle, all of whom he personally backstabbed? It’s looking more and more like last season, where Russell will make it to the Final Two (or Three, as it’s likely to be), and get himself blown out of the water in the final vote.

It’s been awhile since I commented on any commercials, so here goes. My man parts shrivel like rotten prunes when those she-ghouls in Sex in the City 2 cackle at their own sub-sitcom wisecracks. “I’m having a hotflash!” “You’re on a camel in the middle of the desert. If you didn’t have a hotflash, you’d be dead!” OH, DEAR GOD! KILL THEM ALL, NOT JUST THE SKULL-FACED OLDEST ONE! Also…when he went to Jared, that means he didn’t really put a whole lot of thought into your stupid gift and just stopped at the mall on the way home. He probably just wanted an Orange Julius and figured as long as he was there, what the hell, he’d get you some earrings and get you off his back about the cleaning the damn roof gutters.

Next…it’s Russell vs. Parvati. That’s a battle of heavyweights, people. And my money’s on…

13

The result of DDanielle’s ddemise is a stunned Parvati and an elated Colby and Rupert. The latter really believes he has a shot at winning this thing now. Parvati confers with Scerri, who assures the younger woman they’re still an alliance despite Russell’s micromanaging.

Hey, want to see a twenty minute commercial for the Sprint Palm Pre disguised as an episode of Survivor? Well, you are in luck. Tree Mail reads, “Sprint Palm Pre,” and shows ten second teasers of the castaways’ loved ones. The Yin Yangs assemble at Challenge Beach and say, “Sprint Palm Pre.” “Sprint Palm Pre,” answers Jeff, bringing out Colby’s brother, Parvati’s dad, Rupert’s wife, Russell’s wife, Sandra’s uncle and Scerri’s sister. The Sprint Palm Pre Reward is a day at the Sprint Palm Pre blowholes and a lunch of burgers with special Sprint Palm Pre sauce. The challenge has castways scooping water from the surf and tossing it at their loved ones, who catch the water and fill up buckets. First bucket to fill and raise a flag wins. Without a doubt, the highlight is Colby bitching out his older brother for their weak performance. Jeff speaks for all humanity when he tells Colby’s brother to pay no mind; “He’s been like this for 34 days.” Probst, whatever we’re paying you, it’s not enough. Scerri and her sister just manage to edge out Russell and the wife, and Jeff tells her she can take one other pair with her on Reward. Jerri picks Parvati, which is extraordinary when you think how much these two despised each other just a few weeks ago. She then asks if she can bring one more, and Jeff agrees. I don’t think anyone’s ever bothered to ask, so kudos just for that. The camera looks at Russell…but Scerri picks Sandra. The three women and their loved ones head off to a plane, while the men unhappily trudge back to camp. By the way, I never ever want to see Rupert kiss his wife again, ‘cause it looked like he was trying to swallow her head. Shudder.

Blowholes + coconuts = AWESOME! The girls and their loved ones take pictures with their Sprint Palm Pre which every loyal American should buy as soon as the show ends. Back at camp, Russell says that was a strategic mistake and it’s fist bumping time with Colby and Rupert as they vow to make themselves to the Final Three by voting out Parvati. Rupert is delighted with this turn of events, because if you can’t trust Russell, who can you trust? He’s so pleased with himself, he spends the night smashing wood planks like the insane hobo he is, while keeping Scerri and the others awake. Brilliant, Rupert, just brilliant. Let’s see if we can find you a cannon and some black powder to play with as well.

Immunity Challenge calls for the castaways to balance poles and a connecting bar. Colby drops out faster than it takes me to type this sentence. The others manage to do a little better, until it’s just Parvati and Rupert. And when it’s a balance challenge, always bet on the foxy boxer. Parv wins Immunity, which Russell confides makes his choice easier. Now he’s going to rejoin the girl and vote out Rupert as planned. Or is he? When confirming the plan, Sandra and Rupert get into another pissing match. “Are you with me or against me?,” Rupert asks. “I’m against you,” she answers. Oh, dear. She also calls out Rupert, and flips the bird for good measure.

So everyone’s in a great mood at Tribal Council. Seeing the cleaned-up DDanielle, Parvati mouths, “Hot.” Probst probes about whether it’s still a Heroes vs. Villains dynamic, or has that gone by the wayside. The answers are pretty vague, and no one’s having a breakdown or yelling, so Jeff says it’s time to vote. Afterward when he begins his speech about the Immunity Idol, Sandra jumps up like shot. She plays the idol and negates the two votes against her. Doesn’t matter, really, ‘cause the Villains, including Russell, stick to their plan and give four votes to Rupert. Bye bye, tye dye.

In the Penthouse

Scerri – Bringing the other women with her solidifies their votes if she’s in the Final Three against any of the men. After a season of playing under the radar, she’s now making sure but subtle moves.

In the Doghouse

Rupert – You know what? He probably still trusts Russell! I better not catch anyone voting for him for Sprint Player of the Game.

Jerri Manthey, aka “Scerri,” stands a real good shot at winning Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites. I know this may sound like crazy talk, but hear me out I say. Hear me out! Look who’s left. Russell, who’s alienated every living thing on Samoa including several strains of plant life. Parvati and Sandra, who have already won the game. And Colby, who has spectactularly sucked since Day 1 (remember Coach riding him like a John Deere mower?) and is only still here because he’s such a walking afterthought. That leaves Scerri, who adroitly joined Team Russell when given the chance and never looked back. Scerri has been party to every one of Russell’s eliminations, yet she has never had to play the bad guy or confront anyone. We know Coach will vote for her, and Courtney probably will as well. Since we’re gonna have a Final Three, my prediction is it will be her, Parvati and Russell, and I think the math is in Scerri’s favor.

‘Til then!