Survivor 20.9 and 20.10

BY GARY SHERWOOD

“Mr. Sherwood, are you okay?”

My apartment manager, who lives on the apartment above, was outside knocking. It was 8:37 p.m. last night. I would’ve answered, but I was prostrate on the bedroom floor. My stomach muscles ached ferociously; I probably tore at least one. I may have even coughed up a piece of my liver, I couldn’t be sure. All I remembered was during the Immunity Challenge, Colby told Russell that the Heroes were giving him a little something to save him at the next Tribal Council and he should get rid of Parvati. “She’s runnin’ the show,” Russell played along. “Then vote her ass off,” Colby ordered. Straight-faced, Russell said he’d shake Colby’s hand if he could, and the latter replied they could do that later. Then Colby dove back into the challenge while Russell glanced at the camera crew to make sure they witnessed the exchange. His look said it all. “Did you see that? DID YOU SEE THAT? Do you understand now why I consider myself a god among these peons? Colby, one of the most revered studs to ever play this game, just gave me the Heroes’ Immunity idol! TELL ME YOU SAW THAT!”

And that’s when I laughed so hard, I blacked out. I had just enough muscle memory to press pause on my DVR, before collapsing to the floor in a fit of hysterics. Thank God my bird-like screech of a laugh alerted my apartment manager or I might still be lying in a ball, Russell’s stunned glance staring down from my TV.

So let’s back up. Scerri’s kind of bummed that her closest ally, Coach, was voted out. Scerri worries that she might be next, but DDanielle assures her that she’s safe. Wow, what a difference a decade makes. Remember the second season when Scerri was really hot, really bitchy and really powerful? Well, that time is long gone. Now she’s the sad, nervous old lady who the stronger castaways can play like a rusty accordion.

As the tribes gather for the Reward Challenge, the Heroes note Coach is gone and it’s “obvious” the “female alliance” is running things with the Villains. As usual, Russell stays quiet and lets the stupidity mellow. For a Reward of a massive pigout courtesy Outback Steak House, the castaways are matched up most to least strong for that challenge where they have to balance their feet on smaller and smaller pegs. First team to have three of its members outlast their counterparts win. Scerri is matched up against old teammate Colby, and outlasts him. Sandra is matched against her old teammate Rupert, and puts in a free plug for the steak house telling Jeff it’s the favorite place for her and her soldier husband (they went there twice the week before his Afghanistan deployment), so there’s an emotional attachment to Outback that transcends a mere love for Bloomin’ Onions and Foster’s on tap. After Rupert falls, Sandra is pure barrio braggadocio as she says she’s staying up on those pegs for another minute. Now I remember why she was my favorite in Panama. Amanda falls next, and the Villains win. Before leaving, J.T. nods toward Russell and tells him to stay strong. Chuckle chuckle.

The Villains wolf down margaritas, salads and sirloins with gusto. Has Courtney ever eaten steak? Or for that matter, any food made of solid matter? I always imagine her subsisting on dew drops and salt licked off rocks. As Parvati unfolds her napkin, a rolled-up piece of paper falls in her lap and she quickly hides it in her underwear. Oh my. After her meal, Parv announces she’s going to pee and, being a woman, that means someone has to go with her. DDanielle gets the hint, and they unroll the paper which is a clue to their camp’s Immunity Idol. Parvati wants to hide the clue someplace safe, and DDanielle offers to put it in “my boobs.” God bless ‘em, is there anything those babies can’t do? They stand up straight during challenges, defy gravity, and now they can store confidential documents. Later back at camp, the gals dodge Russell and find the idol. Parv tells us she’s keeping it a secret from Russell, as “he’s on a need to know basis, and right now he doesn’t need to know.” Love this girl.

Over at Hero Squad, J.T. rationalizes being a cowboy, he can have steak any old time so no big deal losing today’s challenge. Yeah, I’m sure the rest of his team feels exactly the same way. J.T. is so over steaks, we don’t want ‘em either. But forget Rewards, ‘cause J.T. has a plan. Since Russell is surely going home next thanks to those merciless females, he’s ripe fruit for the Heroes. Once they get him, the Heroes then have six at the merge and they can finish off what’s left of the Villains with no trouble. Flawless logic, since there can’t possibly be any other scenario playing out on a team they only see for a few minutes every couple of days. Ah, but how to win Russell over? By giving him their Immunity Idol, of course! This is so brilliant, how is it no one has thought of it before? “This is Survivor History,” enthuses Rupert. Yep, giving your idol away to your enemy is indeed groundbreaking. In addition to the idol, a note of instructions penned by J.T. himself will accompany it. J.T. reads the note aloud, Rupert giving pointers. I manage to still-frame the letter and here’s what it says:

“To Our Friend Russell,

Since you are clearly being victimized by the evil cabal of power-crazed women and will most certainly be the next to feel their remorseless blades at your throat, we are making you this offer of safety and goodwill. Enclosed, please find one (1) Immunity Idol. Being new to this game, you obviously have no idea how important and potentially game-changing these idols can be. But being longtime veterans, we’re going to generously share our wealth of strategic knowledge. Take this idol which we evidently will never need to save ourselves should we make a boneheaded miscalculation, and instead use it to vote out someone whom you have formed a close relationship with over the past 24 days. We suggest Parvati because despite her great legs, come hither smile, and an ass you could stack an encyclopedia on, she is clearly the daughter of Satan. Once you have bought yourself three extra days by alienating the tribe you thought you were forming bonds with, we will then welcome you with open arms where you will be guaranteed a place in the Final Six. Russell, you will never do better than this. True, we have never seen you play, and there was probably a good reason the producers chose you to return for this season, but none of that matters right now. What matters is you trust us because we obviously know this game better than you.

Yours in Christ,

J.T. & the Hero Squad

P.S. Does DDanielle ever talk about me? What does she say?”

(Yes, they spell DDanielle with the double D’s the same way I do.)

It is worth noting Amanda and Candice have their doubts about this plan. But it is also worth noting they do nothing to put a stop to it.

Now comes the Immunity Challenge where castaways race each other through a water obstacle course to bring in puzzle pieces. And here’s where Colby tells Russell that the Heroes are going to save him. Confident this plan cannot backfire in any way, shape or form, Colby continues with the challenge while Russell does that priceless take to the camera. The Heroes win (not realizing how much they’re about to lose) and J.T., as promised, makes his sly spy idol handoff to Russell as they share a sportsmanlike embrace.

Back at camp, the Heroes are beside themselves, so proud of their slick move. Rupert chortles that Russell must be so happy right now. And he is, but not for the reasons Rupert might think. Russell shares the note, with its explicit instructions not to show it to anyone, with Parvati. She reads the thing, laughing at the Heroes’ breathtaking naïveté. I’m reminded of that second season Simpsons episode where Ned Flanders leaves a sappy note for Homer wishing for them to be better friends, and Homer mockingly reads it aloud while Bart and Lisa laugh their yellow heads off. J.T’s missive also includes directions for Russell to destroy the letter after he’s read it. Which of course means Russell folds it up and saves it. That’s a souvenir if ever there was one. The hilarity is shared with DDanielle and Scerri, who doesn’t appear to be missing Coach so much anymore. It’s evident time has run out for Courtney and Sandra. It’s now just a question of who goes first. Parv thinks Courtney could be more loyal to her after the merge, and argues to keep her over Sandra. The others appear to agree. At a Tribal Council which sees jury member Coach in full kimono’d refinery, DDanielle and Sandra argue who’s been more trustworthy, and it’s all pretty silly. Courtney calls out Scerri for switching sides at just the right time, “so awesome for you.” Despite Parvati’s earlier plan, Courtney is voted out anyway. At her farewell, Courtney tells us she’s looking forward to “getting pretty and yelling at the bitches” at Final Tribal Council.

In the Penthouse

Russell, Villains – Yeah, I know he didn’t really do anything this episode. But so great are his idol-coveting powers, his enemies are now giving them to him.

In the Doghouse

Hero Squad. Every damn one for reasons I should not have to explain.

20.10

Yeah, I know, I thought last week’s was the season’s tenth episode. Turns out it was this week’s. Apparently, even though I have a college education, I can’t count to ten without the aid of all my fingers and epguides.com.

Anyway…Parvati Shallow. As you longtime readers know, I hated her in Survivor: The Cook Islands. Her entire strategy consisted of smiling, flirting and sunbathing. Now to be fair, it did get her as far as the merge ‘cause the idiot guys on her tribe loved her. But once her friends were gone, so was she. And while I thought she was a tasty bite of eye candy, she was also quite useless. Then came Fans vs. Favorites, and a whole new Parvati emerged. She had clearly learned that flirting wasn’t enough. She needed an end game, and that was an all-female alliance that repeatedly made other castaways feel comfortable and secure before ruthlessly blindsiding them. And that’s how she became one of my all-time favorites, because no other returning castaway has been able to drop their ego, learn from their mistakes, and improve their game to such a degree. Sure, she still flirts like a New Orleans madame, because a) it lulls the male players, and b) it’s just in her DNA. But as she demonstrated this week, her game is as quick and sharp as a katana, and she is once again the castaway to beat.

Here’s what I thought was going to happen: With the tribes merging, I guessed Parv would quickly reform the core of her Fans vs. Favorites alliance by getting together with Amanda. Then Parvati, DDanielle, Amanda and Candice would be the all-new female alliance and vanquish everyone else, starting with Russell.

That didn’t happen. What did happen was better.

The Heroes’ Tree Mail consists of a locked chest, while Tree Mail for the Villains is a key and map to the Heroes’ camp. Russell, Parvati, DDanielle and Scerri concoct a story of how both Russell and Parv used their Immunity Idols in the last Tribal Council, and Courtney ended up getting the most votes. It’s all perfect except for one thing; Sandra overhears. Now, really, why did they keep Sandra, who they have to know is a world-class sh*t disturber, instead of the more easily controlled Courtney? Too late to worry about that now, as it’s merge time.

Unlocking the chest, the castaways find food, black buffs and instructions to come up with a new tribe name. Scerri is on my wavelength when she suggests All Villains, since that’s what they really are. None of them have got this far without stabbing someone in the back. But the Heroes take their good guy status seriously, and so the tribe becomes Yin Yang. (Even though Russell will tell Jeff it means “good and evil,” the more accurate translation is light and dark. See? Told you I went to college.)

Russell goes for the Oscar by telling J.T. and Rupert this is the first time he’s felt safe since Day 4. A born b.s. artist, he even reenacts the bogus Tribal Council moment where both he and Parvati stood up to show their idols. Once alone, Russell looks into the camera and mutters, “Hook…line…and sinker.” But if Russell is the Heroes’ new best friend, Parv is their newest target, and she definitely does not feel the love. Even old alliance partner Amanda is now a bit distant, although Parvati takes a risk and tells Amanda she has the Immunity Idol. “How did you find it?,” gasps Amanda. “I’m crafty,” smiles Parv. She asks Amanda to tell her if it looks like she’s going home, and Amanda agrees. So with Russell infiltrating the Heroes, there’s no way the Villains can lose…until Sandra pulls Rupert aside and tells him of the Russell/Parvati alliance, and how Russell is really the Villains’ mastermind. Rupert dutifully informs J.T., who doesn’t believe it. Not even a little. It’s not even funny anymore just how deluded J.T. has become. The Russell-seed in his head has bloomed and crowded out all sense of strategic thought or common sense.

The first Individual Immunity Challenge is that old endurance chestnut where castaways have to cling to a pole for as long as they can while gravity and the hot sun do their work. Sandra and the men drop out early, leaving it as a contest between Candice, DDanielle, Parv and Scerri. Jeff heaps a bit of needless shame on Candice when she opts out, since she won this challenge in The Cook Islands. Well, we’re not in The Cook Islands anymore, Probst, and Candice is not in any immediate danger so she doesn’t really need the immunity. Plus she lasted longer than any of the guys, so how ‘bout some props instead? Old Scerri gives a good showing too before climbing down, and now it’s just DDanielle and Parvati, who does a nice bit of showing off by balancing that lithe bod of hers with just one foot on the pole. (If this was her first season, I’d say Parvati is not exactly a stranger to working with poles, but we’ve both grown a lot since then.) Parvati whispers to DDanielle she’ll let her friend win, since she has the idol. Parvati climbs down, and DDanielle wins first Individual Immunity. Ah, but now the Heroes are rightly suspicious. If Parv used her idol at the last Tribal Council as Russell told them, why would she just give away the challenge like that?

Rupert is now absolutely convinced Russell sold them a bill of really stinky goods, but J.T. still can’t quite make himself believe they’ve been tricked. I mean, he wrote that note and everything! The proof will be Tribal Council. Russell is instructed to prove his loyalty by voting for Parvati, while the Heroes will really vote for Scerri. The idea is to not only see how Russell votes, but make Parvati use her idol. Amanda plays her role in this deception by advising Parv to use the idol tonight. I assumed Amanda and Parvati would be simpatico, since they were partners in crime on Fans vs. Favorites, but such is not the case. Amanda knows if Parvati makes it to the end she could win again, so Amanda is doing whatever she can to stop history repeating itself. Parvati nods at Amanda’s advice, then confides she doesn’t believe a word. Meanwhile, Russell also believes Parvati is on the chopping block, and not knowing she already has an idol, he gives her his own. Didn’t Russell laugh at J.T. last week for doing this very thing? Anyway, Parv now has two idols, and a head full of ideas.

Tribal Council now sees Coach and Courtney on the jury. Which one is the bigger diva? Which do you think? But Courtney looks very glam and makes some very clever asides. When the Heroes chastise the Villains for eating too many bananas, Courtney whispers, “Banana wars.” And when Russell and Parv play up the different receptions they’ve received, Courtney knows what’s going on; “They’re playing.” Indeed, but no one can predict the move that comes next. We see the Heroes write down Scerri’s name as planned, while the Villains write down J.T. After the votes are cast, Jeff dutifully says now’s the time if anyone wants to play an idol. All’s quiet for a few moments, then Parvati announces she’d like to give an idol to Sandra. Then comes the even more awesome moment when Parv gives her other idol to Scerri. And with that one-two punch, the foxy boxer nullifies all the Heroes’ votes and J.T. is KO’d. LOVE THIS GIRL.

In the Penthouse

Parvati – Not only does the first-ever double use of the idol fell one of the strongest Heroes, it should also bind Sandra and Scerri to her, at least until the Heroes can properly be crushed. Stir that pot, baby, stir that pot.

In the Doghouse

J.T. – You have no one to blame but yourself. First you gave away your Immunity Idol, then you didn’t listen to valuable inside information. Without Stephen to think for him, this lonesome cowboy is lost.

Next week sees Russell pissed at Parv not telling him about having her own idol, and how she was going to use it. My advice? Russell better check his ego and prepare his alliance against Sandra’s impending defection.

‘Til then!