Survivor 20.3 & 20.4

BY GARY SHERWOOD

This week is all about the villains, which is a good thing since several of them deliver in spades. Want Coach to make an ass of himself? Want Parvati to flaunt her killer bod? Want Randy to be miserable? Want Russell to pull some midnight hijinx to demoralize his own team? You want it, friends, you got it. After hilariously belittling Coach when the blowhard starts telling another one of his bullcrap stories, Boston Rob gives us a useful Survivor tip: watch who sleeps next to who. Parvati snuggles with Russell, which shows there’s hope for us all. But Coach and Scerri no longer seem so moony for each other. The ep doesn’t show how or why they’ve fallen out but Coach sure acts like a man spurned, repeatedly telling the camera he would never let a woman play him during the game as if we’ve all suffered collective amnesia and forgotten the first episode. Throughout the episode, Coach makes a point how doomed to failure Parvati’s flirtatious manner would be on a Buddhist Jedi kung fu gunfighter such as himself. Nope, neither Parvati’s batting eyes, sprung jello walk, nor legs to Jesus are having an effect on him whatsoever. And when he oh so creepily lunges for her in the lagoon late in the episode, no sir, that’s not him getting stuck into her web like so many other fools. And it’s certainly not jealousy that makes him lecture Russell about getting too close to the foxy boxer. Boston Rob keeps an absolute straight face when he echoes this warning. Yeah, Boston Rob, who wasted no time in striking alliances with hot chicks in his seasons, and whose whole life since 2004 – the televised marriage, the two stints on Amazing Race, the unwatchable show about him becoming a professional poker player – is all due to his alliance with Amber. Right, like Russell’s gonna listen to this guy. “They don’t know who they’re playing with!,” Russell shouts to the camera, all meta. “I’m Russell Hantz!” He acknowledges it’s best not to argue openly with Rob. However, while the tribe sleeps, Russell buries the camp machete. He also ponders hiding Rob’s famous Boston Red Sox cap because a) it would really set Rob off, and b) Russell is an Astros fan. Let me just stop and say how AWESOME that would be. But it looks like even Russell isn’t ready to play that nasty…yet. As for the hidden machete, it doesn’t pay off as well as hoped. Randy finds a giant clam and thinks he’s all Poseidon. He asks for the machete to pry it open, but Sandra tells him to break it on a rock. So no panic, no recriminations, just…mild inconvenience. Maybe when they have to make a fire without this necessary tool, we’ll have some good laughs, but for now the magical disappearing machete just isn’t paying dividends. Still, it’s good to see Russell stirring the s*** ‘cause that never gets old.

As for the Heroes, they play nice after the ugly ejection of Steph. “I just wanna win, y’all,” is James’ rationale for his major jerkitude. J.T. tries to mend fences with Tom after screwing him over, and the guys do some bonding as they chase their chickens. I said chase, you perv. J.T., revelling in his new-found talent for lying, gets Candice in trouble with Cirie. As usual, Candice is as interesting to watch as bread rising, but it is reassuring to know the blonde bore is on the chopping block.

The combination Reward/Immunity Challenge sees the castaways having mano a mano (or womano a womano) duels with giant bags, the winner knocking the loser into mud below. And the villains get their asses handed to them on silver platters. The only time they come close to victory is when martial arts sensei Coach (“No one out here is honorable, except me”) cheats and uses his arm to push over Rupert. Despite Jeff declaring the contest invalid, Coach struts around the arena, bellows shrill war cries, and generally acts like the big ol’ man queen he can’t help but be. When Jeff finally gets his attention and says the duel has to be refought, the stoic samurai flips Jeff the bird. Jeff tells him to redirect it back at his opponent, but Coach’s momentum is spent and Rupert makes short work of him. Needless to say the girls fighting in mud is as wonderful as it sounds, although there’s not as much need for tile-o-vision as one would hope. The heroes rack up win after win until it’s time for James, the iron giant, to go up against Randy, the iron lung. No sooner has Jeff told them the fight’s on, than James has knocked the old man halfway into the next meridien. And because it’s James, there has to be some bleeped out smack talk from the victor that pretty much cheapens the heroes’ otherwise flawless victory. Here’s where Courtney (at least I think it’s Courtney) yells over to James that he’s playing for the wrong team.

Back at camp, the villains argue whether scheming Parvati or sad old Randy should be first to go. Scerri especially loathes Parvati, probably ‘cause the younger gal is snagging all the attention Scerri would’ve got ten years ago. Hey, time’s a remorseless bitch, get over it. At Tribal Council, the argument is made that Parvati is a risk ‘cause she’s friends with too many people on Hero Squad, but Russell argues that could prove an assett. Looks like the tribe agrees, as Randy is unanimously booted. Well, almost unanimous. The sour old git votes for Rob “to send a message.” If the message is “my presence is an irrelevent drain on the team,” then message received.

In the Penthouse

Russell, Villains – Since Parvati wasn’t doing such a good job of speaking for herself, Russell probably saved her (and by extension himself). Love how he can screw so royally with these people, yet act like a star-struck yokel to ingratiate himself further. When he tells Jeff the villains are much more talented players than “the dodos” he was up against the previous season, Courtney says, “Aww…” (BTW, Courtney’s been actually, well…nice this season. She has longer hair, has filled out a bit, and has a better all around disposition. Where’s the brittle ‘n bitchy pipecleaner from two-and-a-half years ago?)

In the Doghouse

No one this week, although Mount James can still erupt at any moment.

Looks like the hidden Immunity Idol returns next week, and Russell may need it sooner than he thinks.

24:

Yesterday, I asked readers, “What do you think makes Coach cry?” Among the responses were:

“Russell finds the hidden immunity idol…. or …. [Coach] comes onto Jerry and she decides he’s just not all that and lets him down….”

“Coach realizes that the woman he loves is a bitter old cougar.”

“I think he misses his mommy.”

“Soooooooo glad to have coach back on the show! I’ll cry when he’s voted off.”

And my favorite…

“What makes coach cry: When the over the course of a conversation, the topic drifts away from him.”

All great guesses. Yet it turns out the proverbial straw that broke the dragonslayer’s back was Sandra’s throwaway comment at Tribal Council that Coach doesn’t work hard enough in camp. It’s the standard b-level swipe a castaway takes at another when they have nothing to say at council, but Jeff prods them anyway. Yet for Coach, it’s a poison dagger through the heart and he openly weeps on camera. He blubbers his usual inanities; that he’s the only honorable player, that he’s the only noble person in the game, etc. But then the façade slips; “Why doesn’t anyone say anything good about me?” Now Coach, you know that’s not true. You say good things about yourself all the time. Oh, you mean, why doesn’t anyone else say anything good? The thing about this is, it just shows how hollow his supposed adherence to zen is. Instead of serenely letting others’ opinions slip around him to disappear in the breeze, he wilts like the little hothouse flower we all knew he was. The weepy warrior hints he wants to leave the game. Tyson, his only real friend out here, consoles him and offers to help Coach get through this. But awesomely, Tyson says it may require Coach hearing some bitter truths. “Like what?,” Coach moans, voice trembling. “Like stop wearing a feather in your hair at Tribal Council. Stop telling your stories. No one believes ‘em. And stop doing your tai-chi where people can see.” You know, I haven’t always cared for Tyson, but he just rocks for doing this. For one thing, he’s actually placing friendship ahead of the game, ‘cause the strategic move would be to let Coach continue down his jackassy path. Second, someone finally tells Coach the truth about how sad his displays of machismo really are. Next day, Coach is still in a funk, so Boston Rob gives him a curt pep talk. Coach, who rents warehouse space to store all his daddy issues, complains that Rob doesn’t respect him and only values him for challenges. The Villains’ leader just tells Coach to trust him. And “be a #$%&ing man.” It should also be worth noting that Scerri doesn’t seem to give a crap, at least none worth showing on camera.

Both tribes discover clues to hidden Immunity Idols. Oh. I thought we were gonna do without those this season. Rob seems a little a little perplexed by the idea; “We didn’t have those when I played.” The Villains agree not to look for the idol, as it will just make whoever finds it a “marked man.” Now you all know how much I sing Russell’s praises. Under normal circumstances, this guy’s one of the savviest operators out there. But the minute he hears “Immunity Idol,” he has a Pavlovian response that trumps all logic, and he flagrantly announces, “I’m going for a walk.” Rob dispatches Sandra to follow, and of course Russell is rooting around where the clue pointed. He realizes he’s being watched, and both he and Sandra skulk and peer at each other through bushes like rival Gladys Kravitzes.

On Hero Squad, Tom finds the idol just ahead of Candice and James. The fireman tries to hide it, but Amanda sees him and tells the others. Meanwhile, Tom tells his only friend Colby, as this could be their stay of execution.

Villains win both Reward (items from the catalog of a department store I will not name ‘cause Rupert, that shameless shill, reads both their name and slogan) and Immunity. The perfume of victory fresh in his nose, Coach once more is the strutting tool. “Is the dragonslayer back? Yes. Will I continue to wear my heart on my sleeve? Yes.” Has he learned anything? No! And to that I say hallelujah. ‘Cause who wants a humble Coach?

So far, the Heroes have been a pretty dull team. Except for James’ “I JUS’ WANNA WIN!” outbursts, there hasn’t been a whole lot of drama on this side of the moral divide. But now we finally see some strategy at work as Tom and Colby try to win over a third member from Cirie’s alliance to vote out Candice. Tom even offers the idol to her or anyone else who needs it. Amanda considers the plan but Cirie chastises, “That is so stupid! They’re the most powerful players!” Now I usually like Cirie but when your team is getting beaten in challenges, you don’t want to cut your physical assets too early. J.T. has decide whether to throw in with Tom and Colby, who he believes are trustworthy, or stick with the majority. At Tribal Council, he hints he’s going with the latter, much to Tom and Colby’s obvious dismay. Before Jeff can read the votes, Tom plays the idol; no votes cast against him will count. Both he and Colby get votes, but J.T. votes with them after all, and Cirie is taken out in the season’s first blindside.

In the Penthouse

Boston Rob, Villains – He continues to shine as the cool-headed and uber-capable leader leading his tribe to victory. How did his Red Sox cap stay on when wheeled around in that giant ball?

Tom, Heroes – Taking the lead on the idol hunt was literally a game-changer for him and Colby.

In the Doghouse

Russell, Villains – I love the little man, but blatantly looking for the idol right after agreeing not to is pure amateur hour. Even if he finds the idol, he’s doomed himself.

Next week, Candice offers herself to Tom and Colby. No, not that way.

‘Til then!