Survivor Finale

by GARY SHERWOOD

How much do I love Survivor? How much of a hold does this stupid show have on me after nine years? I mean, besides the fact that I risk termination every week from a job I really, really, really need just to write and mail out this increasingly less coherent commentary. Here’s how much: On Saturday night, I went to San Rafael to do a little socializing (read drinking), do a little dancing (read drinking while moving), and do a little drinking (read do a lot of drinking). In the course of the evening I met these three girls visiting from Thailand. Now you veteran readers know Asian women are my kryptonite, and there was this one cocktail-dressed little honey who especially got my beanie spinning. At the end of the evening, she sweetly smiled and used up all her English to haltingly ask if she could see me “tomorrow night.” At first I thought, hell yeah baby, book your passage now on the Sherwood Sugar Express, first stop Paradise. Until I realized “tomorrow night” was Sunday. Survivor finale Sunday. The one night this week I couldn’t go anywhere because I was gonna be hunkered down in my sad bachelor apartment with my TV, microwave tostadas, two liters of pineapple juice, a legal pad and a row of colored pens (everything Coach does gets recorded in red ink). So voice wracked with pain and profound TV nerd regret, I had to turn this Bangkok beauty down because – and I say this with only the deepest self-loathing – Survivor comes first.

In short, you better appreciate the hell out of this commentary. ‘Cause I made that blueballed sacrifice for you.

Forza, Night 36. The Final Four return from benching Coach. “Exciting stuff,” says Erinn. Oh, oh! Just got word Erinn herself may be reading this. Someone knows someone and, well, anyway, after 18 seasons we may actually have a real life castaway perusing this thing. So Erinn, if you are here, just know I was always rooting for you and wrote nothing but the most laudatory things. Really, no need to go on-line and verify this. And when I wrote last week that you were still in the game due to “the purest and dumbest of pure dumb luck,” that was just my way of describing how well you manipulated events to suit you singular style of awesome play. And you had that whole Lisa Loeb thing going, you know, being the hot chick with glasses. So kudos and welcome. Now where was I? Right, Stephen is telling us how hard it was to vote for Coach after all the nice things the older guy said to him. Also, since J.T. voted for Erinn, Coach is gonna know Stephen turned on him. Stephen says now his game hinges on one question; “Who can I beat at the end?”

Day 37. “We were supposed to be gone a long time ago,” smiles J.T., referring to the Jalapao Three who came into the merge outnumbered two-to-one. Yet now, “The entire jury is Timbira. It’s a masterpiece.” Meanwhile Stephen and Taj finally get down to brass tacks. “If J.T. loses Immunity, dot dot dot,” postulates Stephen. Taj also speculates getting rid of the strongest player, but she can’t bring herself to do it. “Neither can I,” says Stephen. Tree Mail is a big plastic spider. At least it looks plastic, but maybe it’s made from pipe cleaners. Hey Erinn, what was it? This is great. Now whenever I have a question, I can just pester someone who was actually there. The spider is their only clue to the next Immunity Challenge. Erinn, last of the Timbiras, knows if she doesn’t win she’s probably next to go.

For Immunity, the castaways have to eat three entire Brazilian tarantulas, each measuring the size of a grown man’s hand. No wait, that’s just the challenge I was hoping for. In this reality, they have to crawl through a spider-shaped maze to collect three bags of puzzle pieces which they’ll assemble at the end. I’m sure the production designer thought the maze looked all kinds of menacing and if I were five and at Chuck E. Cheese, it would be fairly traumatizing. Jeff dutifully tries to make it sound dangerous. “That rope will tear you up. Gonna lose some skin in this challenge.” Guess I’ll play along. The Final Four make their tortuous way through the blood-slicked death maze, pausing only to gingerly make their way past tribe mates writhing in sanguine agony. Only not so much. J.T. collects all his pieces first and gets to work on his puzzle. Once again, Jeff has to make it sound like the ninth circle of hell. “It is a difficult puzzle. You’d expect nothing less on Day 37.” On Day 37 I’d actually expect a lot more than just another damn puzzle, but it’s your show. Erinn almost pulls off a come-from-behind win, but J.T. is just a hair quicker and takes his second Immunity. “Frustrating to no end,” Erinn voice-overs, adding she hopes she can convince the guys to keep her instead of Taj.

Back at camp, Taj tells us the plan is to vote for Erinn and she has no reason to think that’s going to change. Meanwhile Erinn works the boys, reminding them that Taj has played a great social game and is well-liked by the jury. J.T. concedes that’s a good point, and he and Stephen agree it would be easier to beat Erinn in the final Immunity Challenge. Stephen is also worried Taj, should she win that Immunity, might take J.T. to the end instead of him. J.T. reassures Taj the younger woman is going home.

Thunder booms over Tribal Council. Newest jury member Coach has kept his ridiculous dragon cane. Jeff points out the Jalapaos came into the merge outnumbered; how did they turn it around to dominate? Stephen answers the Jalapaos’ plan was to connect with select members of Timbira and splinter them off from their old tribe. As for her tenous position, Erinn is proud to be the last Timbira but she knows “scrambling doesn’t work” and the three Jalapaos are tight. Asked how risky it is to keep Erinn, Taj answers the former Timbira could win over the jury made up of her old tribe mates. Stephen is asked the same question. He replies it’s now coming down to an individual game and he doesn’t want to be in a position to decide someone’s fate. This gets a “huh?!” reaction from the jury, and Jeff immediately calls Stephen on his evasion. J.T. and Taj agree they trust each other, the latter saying she would be shocked if voted out tonight but she also knows it could happen. Erinn says she’d be “surprised but not shocked” as, again, anything can happen. She gives herself a 33% chance of survival. As Jeff reads the votes, Sierra squirms like she sat on a tack covered in Tabasco, slapping the knees of other jurists. She’s a hundred times more animated on the jury than she ever was while playing. Debbie mouths “wow” as the boys join Erinn in voting out their former alliance member. “It’s Day 37. I got blindsided by my Jalapao tribe mates,” Taj wearily says as she signs off. She adds if Erinn can “weasel” her way into the Final Two, she’ll have the older woman’s vote.

“Final Three fever,” announces Stephen as he, J.T. and Erinn return to camp. He seems in pretty good spirits, but J.T. is already expressing regret. It doesn’t help that Erinn is cluelessly yakking up a storm about how voting out Taj went “as planned.” Now Stephen’s getting annoyed as well, saying Erinn is “ignorant” of the boys’ “emotional turmoil.” C’mon, sad sack, whatever happened to Final Three fever? Catch it! And Erinn, who may well be reading this, when I use the word “cluelessly” I mean…you’re doing great.

Day 38. Stephen and Erinn confer. She promises to take Stephen with her if she wins Final Immunity, assuming he’ll do the same. “I do trust you,” he tells her, “but I trust me even more.” Erinn assumes the boys know better than to go up against each other at the end. Stephen confesses he doesn’t want to win Final Immunity, as it would present him with a tough choice. J.T. is his friend but Erinn would be easier to beat. Meanwhile, J.T. confesses he’s “worried sick” about Erinn. If she wins Final Immunity, he believes it’s certain he’ll be voted off. J.T. swears to Stephen he’s keeping his buddy to the end. Stephen nods in agreement, adding, “What a funny pair we are.” J.T. tells us he has to win the next challenge. As the threesome walk to get Tree Mail, Erinn says, “I love that it’s the three of us.” Stephen replies, “I love that it’s me and two other people.” By now, we know what Tree Mail is gonna be: Collect and burn the torches of the fallen before setting off to the Final Immunity Challenge. J.T. doffs the Immunity totem, prompting Stephen to crack, “Heavy is the head that wears the necklace.” Doesn’t seem like it bothers J.T.

Okay, torch collectin’ time. You know how it works, the Final Three pick up the torch, blah blah about the person, then said person blah blahs about themself how they’ve grown and are so much stronger and zzzzzzz.

Carolina – “So much trouble in such a little body,” comments Stephen. She’s learned she has to be more patient.

Candace – “I may have been her only friend in this game but, gosh darn it, I liked her a lot,” says Erinn. Candace admits her lack of a social game was her downfall.

Jerry – “If you could pick your own dad,” remarks Erinn, “you would totally pick Jerry to be your dad.” I don’t know about that, but I definitely had this Army sergeant picked as going a lot further than the third episode. Jerry admits he was in too much pain to continue.

Sandy – “She was definitely a bit crazy,” duhs J.T. The old loon tells us she played hard, overcame first impressions, and kept the tribe laughing. Maybe, but Coach provided more than enough hilarity for both tribes.

Spencer – “He was a super fan and a very strong strategist,” says Stephen. The first teenage castaway admits he tended to see the good in people and forgot to be a player.

Sydney – “That was one of the first hard votes we had to make,” J.T. recalls. Sydney admits she should’ve played more strategically and not ride coattails.

Joe – “Captain America, the most decent guy out here,” Stephen comments. Joe regrets being taken out of the game by an injury.

Brendan – “The first dragon to be slain,” says Stephen. (Even though he’s been gone for two days, Coach still haunts their subconscious.) Brendan learned what works in business doesn’t necessarily translate to the game. Especially when a delusional ninja wannabe thinks you’re a mystical serpent.

Tyson – “A really kind, a really sincere guy,” remarks Stephen, clearly thinking of another person because “kind” and “sincere” do not apply to the narcissistic creep we endured on this show for two months. “The more pathetic you look and act,” Tyson bitches, “the further you get ahead in this game.” Still in the throes of a mad love affair with the man in the mirror, he’s just thankful he still has his “great looks and personality.” If God could drop a Steinway on just one of these people, this is the insufferable twit I’d like to see get pancaked.

Sierra – “She was surprisingly honest and a really sweet girl,” says Stephen, and damn if he doesn’t have something nice to say about everyone. Think they feel the same way about him? We’ll find out soon enough. Anyway, Sierra yada yadas that the game “will forever change who I am as a person.” She’s now a steel foreman named Carl.

Debbie – “Debbie was easily the person I was closest to out here,” recalls Erinn. Debbie admits she’s not as good at reading people as she thought. Hear that, kids? Your principal is a pushover. Go take those cuts in the kickball line, she won’t know.

Coach – “My most satisfying blindside to date,” smiles Erinn. J.T. and Stephen, however, give the man his due saying he changed the game and was “a great storyteller.” Coach quotes Nietzsche, alludes to samurais and vikings, compares his fate to Greek tragedy, and makes not a damn bit of sense. That’s why we love him.

Taj – The boys agree this was their hardest vote. J.T. says he and Taj will be friends for life. For her part, Taj is proud of what she accomplished in the game, but she underestimated J.T. and Stephen’s will to win.

As they burn the torches, the Final Three individually voice-over how they’re gonna compete hard to win the last Immunity.

Final Immunity Challenge. Traditionally a Herculean test of endurance, a brutally simple contest to determine which of the Final Three, after 38 long days, still possesses the most physical strength and mental fortitude to pick who accompanies them to Final Tribal Council. Only this time…not so much. This time, the Final Three just drop balls down chutes and catch them when they come out the other end. Woo-freakin’-hoo. Oh, but Jeff promises this will be super intense ‘cause the castaways will have one hand tied behind their back. Again, woo-freakin’-hoo. Sorry, but when I think Final Immunity Challenge, I think of Kelly, Rich and Rudy balancing on narrow shafts of wood for HOURS in the hot South Pacific sun. By comparison, this challenge is right up there with balloon darts and whack-a-mole. Still, Jeff has to make it sound like Ali-Frazier, the Battle of Britain, and Gotterdammerung all rolled into one ‘cause that’s what he’s paid to do. So as Erinn, J.T. and Stephen drop balls down chutes, catch them, then drop them down again, Jeff warns, “One slip, one mental lapse, it’s over.” And it is about six minutes later when J.T. unsurprisingly wins. So much for an epic contest of wills. As the Final Three head back to camp, J.T. confides he and Stephen promised to take each other to the end, “But promises come cheap in this game.” Speaking of camp, here’s the fourth time they’ve played that promo for CSI: Miami’s season finale. “Do you believe in God, Ivan?” BANG! Horatio Caine, doing the Lord’s work.

Stephen admits he felt an “enormous weight lifted” when J.T. won, so he doesn’t have to be the one choosing between friendship (sticking with J.T.) and an easy win (choosing Erinn). He confides taking Erinn over J.T. would be a “scumbag decision.” Meanwhile, Erinn works J.T., telling him the Timbira jurists hate her. She also says Stephen told her it would be “suicidal” to go up against J.T., and makes the argument Stephen will be “much more eloquent” before the jury. Erinn admits J.T. taking Stephen would be “honorable” but it would also result in too close a contest. “Sending Stephen home is the only thing that makes sense.” J.T. tells Stephen that Erinn makes a good case. Stephen replies J.T. can win “and still do the right thing,” i.e. take him to Final Tribal Council. It would be easier for J.T. to beat Erinn, but taking Stephen would look better in the eyes of the jury. Stephen confides, “I know J.T. is solid but I’m still worried.” J.T. tells us his mom warned him not to do anything stupid, “and that could happen if I trust someone I’ve only known 39 days.”

At Tribal Council, Jeff tells everyone J.T. has a big decision to make. He then asks Erinn what’s her pitch, and she says Stephen has a better shot than she in front of the jury. Stephen’s pitch is that they’ve “shared a brain” and J.T.’s decision will affect “our long term relationship.” Jeff sums up it’s “relationship vs. easy money.” J.T. admits he could beat Erinn easier, but he puts a lot of stock in loyalty. If he brings Stephen, he’s being true to his word and beating the best. He’d also be sticking his neck way the hell out and isn’t sure what Stephen would do if the situation were reversed. Stephen says, probably to his immediate regret, that he and J.T. agreed to have breakfast on Day 39. Jeff wastes no time mocking that one; “So it’s one million dollars vs. breakfast.” Getting defensive, Stephen says, “ J.T. has made swears up and down” and he hopes they’re true. Jeff, who clearly has money on J.T., tells Stephen he’s making a better case to bring Erinn. Tension rising, J.T. repeats he’d have a much easier chance of beating Erinn as her old Timbira mates were looking to get rid of her since Day 9. Yet when it comes time for him to vote, he chooses friendship after all and sends Erinn to jury duty. Coach pumps his fist to signal he approves of J.T.’s choice. At her sign-off, Erinn tells us she’s a little surprised but “deep down” she knew J.T. would make that decision. Still, she’s proud of herself for going this far. And I’m proud of her carrying off the bikini ‘n hornrims look so effortlessly. Good job.

“Day 39. We’re freaking here,” announces Stephen. He tells J.T., “Dude, you and I are gonna be friends for life.” Regardless of whatever happens, no no, they can’t take this away from them. They’ve talked about this moment since Day 3. And here’s that victory breakfast in all its 10,000 calorie glory. “The warrior and the wizard, Day 39.” Alright, Stephen, I love you but you gotta get yourself de-Coached the second you get home. Drugs, hypnotism, electroshock…whatever it takes. He and J.T. toast themselves with champagne. “It tastes like victory.” Stephen asks J.T., “What was your first impression of me?” J.T. answers he thought Stephen was “strong but not athletic” and, for some reason we unfortunately never saw, religious. Stephen’s first impression of J.T. was that he was a “slick charmer.” Yet in spite of their different backgrounds, they make one hell of a crime fighting team. As the bromantic couple head off for Final Tribal Council, both tell us they’re gonna put friendship aside to get that $1 million. By the way, while you guys were staring into each others eyes you forgot to burn down the camp! Boo on that!

Here we go, Final Tribal Council. The whole jury, including newest member Erinn, is brought out and the boys give their opening statements. Stephen says, “If you were making a decision as to who was the better outdoorsman of who had the most charming Southern drawl, you could make your choice on Day 1.” But Stephen believes he had the bigger learning curve and so he worked harder. He also tells the jury he owes them all for the experience. J.T. says, “I’m obviously not a Yale graduate or English major like my buddy Stephen here.” But he reminds the jury he never received a vote and the folks he did vote off were those he felt would be the toughest competition. He reminds them taking Erinn would’ve been the easy choice, but he felt honor bound to bring Stephen instead. “Did he outwit, outplay and outlast me? I don’t think so.” Aw, I already don’t like where this is going. Obviously, the show wants us to revel in two friends having to tear each other down but the enjoyment factor is lost on me. Anyway, it’s time for each jury member to get in their resentful shots thinly disguised as questions.

Brendan, who’s been on the jury the longest and is already a millionaire anyway, seems in relatively good spirits as he congatulates the boys. He then pushes Stephen on this whole “growth” thing and why that should play a role in whether he should win. Stephen repeats J.T. is a born outdoorsman and was in his element, where city boy Stephen had to struggle to keep up. J.T. says growth is irrelevant; you’re either better or you’re not. In football, it’s the best team that wins the game, not the one that’s grown the most. They then debate whether “hiding in shadows” or “sticking your neck out” is better strategy.

Erinn, hair freshly ironed, tells Stephen he played with three different alliances (Jalapao, Warrior, and whatever alliance she thought she was part of), and now all those people are on the jury. Why shouldn’t they just vote for J.T.? Stephen agrees, saying the nature of the game is to play alliances to get ahead, “but I’ll understand if you don’t vote for me.” Erinn then tells J.T. he’s been talking a lot about going up against “the best,” and what makes Stephen qualify for that title? J.T. answers, “’’Cause he’s here with a shot at winnin’ a million dollars and y’all are over there stewin’ in bitterness.” Only he doesn’t quite put it like that. Instead, he answers Stephen’s the best because he was the most honest. J.T. recalls following the merge, Coach asked who was the best and J.T. told him it was Stephen.

Debbie, wearing every last ounce of Max Factor in Brazil, tells the boys she hasn’t decided yet how she’ll vote. Honesty is most important, she claims, and that’s what drew her to J.T. Then she felt she misjudged him, and asks whether this was his “M.O.” Like all of us, J.T. blames his mother, saying she advised him he’d have to lie to get ahead in this game. The principal then fixes her gaze on Stephen and asks him to answer honestly whether, if the decision was his, he would’ve taken J.T. or Erinn to Final Tribal Council. “I don’t know,” Stephen answers, and Debbie snaps in her scariest afternoon detention voice, “You do know, and I need an honest answer.” Chastened, Stephen admits, “I think it would be Erinn. I hope I would’ve picked J.T. but I fear it may have been Erinn.”

Coach, wearing a loincloth and a Napoleon hat (no, not really) announces he’s proud to see “the warrior and the wizard” make it to the end. He tells J.T. it’s easy early on in the game to be honest, but it gets harder as the game progresses. He wants an example of when J.T. was honest and “a warrior” later in the game. Ugh, Coach, you’re asking such a good question, and then you have to geek it up like always with that “warrior” nonsense. J.T. answers he didn’t vote for Coach when he could have. He said he would take the strongest with him to the end, and it may have cost him $1 million to take Stephen. “I may be a dumb fool mixing morals with millions.” For a guy who wasn’t an English major, that’s some nice alliteration. Stephen is asked the same question and answers, “I voted for every single one of you. I never took the easy way out.” He tries to finesse this getting ahead as “bearing the moral burden” but the stone faces on the jury tell us they’re not buying it. Oh, Stephen, weren’t you listening to Erinn? You were supposed to be eloquent one! Stephen also says he’s proven his honor by not yet “speaking ill of J.T.”

Sierra offers congratulations, then says she had a question for Stephen but he’s already answered it. Uh…okay. So she then swivels her weirdly narrow eyes at J.T. and asks, “What does taking the strongest mean to you?” Because as she sees it, Stephen and Erinn were the two weakest. Oh, Sierra, I was kinda liking you until you said that. Sour grapes never look good on anyone, no matter how many catwalks they’ve walked. J.T. once again says Stephen was the strongest, but Sierra argues if J.T. was honest about wanting to go up against tough opponents, he would’ve been sitting opposite Debbie or Tyson. “And that’s your downfall.” J.T. can’t answer without losing her vote, so I’ll answer for him. Sierra, he did go up against Tyson and Debbie, and he destroyed them. Easily. With really awesome blindsides. That’s why he’s here and they’re on the jury.

Tyson, susprisingly low-key, says, “Good job, guys.” He asks J.T. whether Stephen was an “assett.” J.T. says he was, although he adds he could’ve won without his friend, just not as easily. Stephen says that hurts, as he believes they needed each other to get this far. Stephen also believes Erinn or Taj would’ve also taken him to Final Tribal Council had J.T. not made it.

Now let’s move onto our final jurist…

Taj, accompanied by a funereal music cue, says, “Crushed. Betrayed. Entirely disappointed.” Yeah, that’s how I felt about last season in Gabon. But apparently she’s referring to the Jalapao alliance turning on her. She’s upset J.T. found it so hard to vote against Coach but getting rid of her was “effortless.” J.T. replies it was anything but effortless, as losing her was his “hardest vote.” Turning to Stephen, she says in the last days of the game, “I saw things in you I didn’t even recognize… Was it so important to blindside me?” Stephen puts this one on J.T., saying the latter argued Taj would be tough competition at the end. J.T. leaps to his own defense, saying it wasn’t just his idea and the two “friends for life” have a pretty depressing argument about who wanted to vote out Taj and when. J.T. rightly asks if this is Stephen’s idea of not “speaking ill” of him, and Stephen retorts, “Oh come on, you have been slandering me all night.” J.T gets to the heart of the matter, asking whether Stephen would’ve brought Erinn instead. More arguing does not mean more entertaining. J.T. finally says, “I feel like a fool” for bringing Stephen to the end. Oh, this is really not fun to watch at all. I used to like these guys.

After a commercial break, we return to Tribal Council to see Stephen patting his friend’s shoulder. Aww, I like these guys again now. Time to vote. We don’t see who the jurists vote for but we do hear Taj say, “I am a woman of my word. You should try to be a man the same way.” Jeff collects the ballots, then does his patented “See ya in hell!,” and sets off not for Hades, but New York where the winner will be announced.

So at last we’re now at CBS studios in New York. As usual the audience has either been coached to cheer loudly for anything, plied with free booze, or both. Like the game show host he was/is, Jeff basks in the applause as he makes for the stage. J.T. and Stephen sit awaiting the vote, with the jury at their side. J.T. is now clean-shaven and looks all of 14, while Stephen has kept his beard and wears a natty dark blazer. He looks like Elvis Costello circa ’85 when he played “All You Need Is Love” at Live Aid. (For all you younger readers, that means he looks pretty damn cool.)

So Jeff reads the first ballot: J.T. Second ballot: The Warrior, J.T. (Golly, wonder who wrote that one.) Third ballot: J.T. Fourth ballot: The sole survivor and winner of Survivor: Tocantins is James Thomas, Jr., aka, J.T., aka Exactly the Guy We All Knew Was Gonna Win from Day 1. Jeff informs us for only the second time in Survivor history, the vote was unanimous. And with that we go to the first of something like 25 commercial breaks, each one longer than the last.

About a half-hour later when we come back from the first break, we get a reel of J.T.’s greatest hits. In case you forgot, he’s awesome. And here’s all his tribe mates reminding us how awesome he is. At the reunion, tears roll down his baby face. Jeff tells us he’s one of the most popular people to ever appear on the show. Whereever Jeff goes, people say, “Hate Coach, love J.T.” That’s ‘cause you talk to idiots, Jeff. J.T. was vanilla ice cream compared to Coach’s hot fudge and crumbled cookie bits. J.T. didn’t tell a soul how far he’d gone in the game, and his own family thought he only got “fourth at best.” He confesses the game was hard, and by Day 11 he was questioning what he was doing there. Asked what drew him to Stephen, J.T. recalls he had doubts about the New Yorker at first glance, but Stephen carried “more melons” than anyone on the big Day 1 desert hike. I’ll assume that’s not Southern slang, but I’m always open to being corrected. Also, he had “the best heart” of anyone. Cardiologists will tell you that’s more of a genetic thing, but whatever. Stephen says they shared an intellect and the same approach to the game. That approach was: We should win. Stephen, by the way, does a heroic job of looking happy for the man on his immediate left who just so easily won instead of him. I couldn’t be that a good a sport if I lost at Pictionary let alone a shot at $1 million. Jeff says the boys had a “mole” passing them information. Stephen recounts that Coach had such a big boy crush on J.T. (much like another guy as we’ll soon learn), he passed on information from his conferences with Tyson. Well, everyone knows how chatty samurai can get. Toshiro Mifune never shuts up in The Hidden Fortress. Because Jeff is not crushing on Stephen, he can ask him the harder questions he would dare not ask J.T. like what did it feel like to cross his best friend when admitting he would’ve taken Erinn to Final Tribal Council. Stephen says Debbie demanded an honest answer so he had to give her one. He then scores a huge laugh when comparing that to the question she put to his friend; “J.T., isn’t it true you’re the greatest person that ever existed?” J.T. admits he played up being offended for the benefit of the the jury.

Jeff asks Brendan how the Timbiras could’ve so magnificently failed , especially as they outnumbered the Jalapaos by two-to-one at the merge. Brendan blows the lid off the place by finally revealing that there was disfunction on his old tribe. Yeah, and the sun disappears at night. Thanks for the revelation. Erinn says she jumped tribes because fourth place with Jalapao beat sixth with Timbira.

Jeff asks Taj the question I was asking all season; did it ever occur to anyone to vote out J.T.? Taj answers no, because the alliance was so tight. Plus, “J.T. was so sweet.” Think I’m exagerating Jeff’s bicuriosity for J.T.? Then explain why the host saved the tooth J.T. lost on Day 15. “Do you want your tooth back?,” he asks with a mix of hope and confusion. J.T. says the tooth is “useless” to him now, but his mom might like it. Speaking of, she’s in the audience. This prompts Jeff to go into the audience and ask the tough probing queries he’s known for; “How proud are you of J.T.?” “Very proud,” Mrs. Thomas answers, clearly too polite to tell Jeff how inane that question was, even for a guy who hosted Rock & Roll Jeopardy. Mom continues that she’s been telling J.T. for three years he could win this. “Now that he has so much money, I may not have to worry about him anymore.” J.T. laughs along with everyone else, not at all thinking, “I’m free of your stifling presense at last! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”

After more and more and more commercials and CBS promos (sorry, Criminal Minds, but feeding murder victims to pigs just ain’t all that disturbing anymore after watching three seasons of Deadwood), we finally return to the reunion where they rerun the clip of Taj screaming with glee that her husband Eddie George was meeting her at camp. Jeff admits he would’ve never guessed how popular Taj would become. He shows a picture of her R&B group SWV, and embarrassingly misidentifies her. That’s right up there with The Amazing Race’s Margie confusing Jen with Kisha. Taj admits getting used to living outdoors was an adjustment for a Brooklyn girl like herself, but she soon learned how to thrive and “it was cool.” Jeff asks Taj to show her bite scars and I have to ask, why were the insects only going after her? Maybe the white chicks were just to scrawny to really make a meal. Jeff asks Taj to recount how happy she was to see Eddie, and she says 30 days is a long time to be away from your family. Me, I find three days is too long to be with my family, but to each their own. Once again Jeff leaps into the audience to ask Eddie George the hard question no one else can; “How proud are you of Taj?” No stranger to host duties himself (see G4 Sports: Training Camp), Eddie admirably doesn’t take the mike and hit Jeff over the head. Instead, he just beams that he’s “elated” at what his wife accomplished. Jeff tells us that Eddie was able to start a fire right up when at Exile Island and pitches, “Next season – Eddie George!” Just like I did two weeks ago, thank you.

Tyson’s greatest hits reel is followed by Jeff asking what the reaction’s been in the “Mormon community.” Still an off-putting, weaselly shmuck, he answers that “great men are either loved or hated,” citing Jesus of Nazareth and Joseph Smith as examples. Watching on the Jumbotron in Heaven, both agree to kick that kid’s skinny ass the second he gets up here. Jeff turns to Sierra, gentlemanly saying, “It’s been a long time since someone’s been so universally despised.” Sierra felt she was being “forthright and honest” but “that’s not what it takes to win.” She cries recounting the tribe turning on her. “And I fought to the death,” she sobs, before pointing to Tyson, “And I slayed the dragon!” This gets her some nice applause, but really babe, we were all watching and it was Stephen who engineered that coup. You just reaped the benefit, only to blow it the very next episode. Also, not to be mean or anything, but what’s the deal with Sierra’s face? It looks like her head is deflating from inside (see the photo). By now it’s 2 a.m. or something so Jeff promises Coach gets put on the hot seat when we come back from commercials. Cue Coach’s greatest hits.

The best of Coach continues when we return, yet somehow the the tale of the Amazon cannibal escape is not included. Oh, show editor, I do hope you were fired for that omission and your children starve as a result of your poor judgment. Jeff admits a lot of people probably realized how much they missed Coach as soon as he was voted off. Coach, wearing the spring Steven Seagal collection (see the photo), likes to “make my mark” on everything, whether it was Tribal Council or Exile Island. The other castaways once more shake their heads, roll their eyes, put guns in their mouths, what have you. Jeff recounts the Amazon story (yeah, like that’s better than showing the actual footage) and asks Coach whether he really believed the others would buy it. Coach answers he could’ve told “one-hundred stories” but that was the one “nagging” at him. After the show, Jeff offered Coach a lie detector test to prove the story’s veracity and Coach refused. “I wonder why!,” shouts Sierra. “What would that have proven?,” asks Coach. Jeff replies, “That you’re telling the truth.” Coach now does something so great, I have to pardon him for all previous acts of assiness committed these past three months. He tells Jeff everyone here has known what it’s like to be blindsided except the host (and the Final Two, but that’s besides the point). Now it’s Jeff’s turn to be blindsided. Coach indeed took a lie detector test on his own time and dime, and he’s brought the sealed envelope with the report. Jeff takes the envelope, snarking it looks like something that could be made on a home printer. Coach also produces the video tape of the test. “What are the odds Coach is telling the truth?,” Jeff asks, and there’s a surprising amount of applause. I knew I couldn’t be the only one who appreciates good crazy. Jeff goes straight to question two in which Coach was asked, “During your trip down the Amazon, were you captured by natives?” Coach answered, “Yes,” which the test shows was a truthful response. “Coach,” Jeff admits, “I am impressed.” A mix of applause and boos wash over the apparently vindicated adventurer. Love or hate him, you gotta admit this is the first and only time a castaway has put Jeff on the spot and I call that a good thing. Jeff half-heartedly asks Debbie some trifling question about how her schoolkids have felt about her being on the show, but then he rockets back to Coach. Specifically, he wants to ask something of Coach’s “lady friend” Melinda; “Is the Coach you know the same we saw on the show?” She replies we just saw Coach, “Not the Ben Wade I know and love.” This gets a big “Awww” from the audience. Jeff makes a crack about the “dragon slayer in the bedroom,” to which Melinda awesomely replies, “Actually, I slay the dragon.” That’s twice in five minutes Jeff has been topped on his own show, and now I want both Eddie George and Melinda for next season.

After another day and a half of commercials, it’s time for Jeff to be a massive whore and announce the Sprint Player of the Season. The three finalists are J.T., Taj and Sierra. Considering it’s almost entirely women who vote for this stupid thing, do we really have to pretend like there’s any suspense? J.T. adds another $100,000 to his coffers, making him the richest person in Alabama next to the guy who found a way to deep fry the parts of a pig they can’t even put in hot dogs.

We’re getting near the end. Wanna know what Joe, Sydney, Spencer, Jerry, Candace, Carolina and Sandy are up to? Me neither.

This fall, Survivor once more pushes the envelope, breaks all the rules, totally reinvents itself, and — No, not really. They’re just going to another South Seas island. Survivor: Samoa debuts in September.

So ends another season. I generally liked Tocantins, especially the blindsides, the J.T.-Stephen friendship, and of course, Koach KooKoo’s antics. While it was nowhere near as good as last year’s Fans vs. Favorites, it was definitely a big step up from the joyless slog through Gabon. Thanks everyone for reading these last eight months and to Beth at N:Zone.com for running these ramblings so all my fellow lonely sociopaths on-line can read them. Have a wonderful summer and I’ll be back in the fall to bitch and whine about our favorite show.

‘Til then!